


vivid and in your prime, you will leave me behind

by DeadInTheWater



Category: The Smiths
Genre: 70s, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Developing Relationship, Everyone Has Issues, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Plot Twists, Possibly Unrequited Love, Teenage Drama, Will get angsty eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:33:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29029494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadInTheWater/pseuds/DeadInTheWater
Summary: Johnny has a lot of secrets, a lot of things from his past he doesn't like to talk about.After moving to Manchester, for the first time in his life, he feels like he belongs and he's able to start all over.When he finds a journal and gives it back to its owner Moz, they immediately become friends.But Moz is an outsider, mentally unstable, cynical, strange.He seems like he has some secrets as well.Is this what Johnny needs? Or exactly the opposite?
Relationships: Johnny Marr/Morrissey
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Soundtrack
> 
> Talk Tonight - Oasis
> 
> Will Never Marry - Morrissey
> 
> Lonely Planet Boy - New York Dolls
> 
> Late Night Maudlin Street - Morrissey
> 
> Walking After You - Foo Fighters
> 
> Somebody - Depeche Mode
> 
> Nightswimming - R.E.M
> 
> I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
> 
> Dancing In The Dark - Bruce Springteen
> 
> Runaway Train - Soul Asylum
> 
> How To Dissapear Completely - Radiohead
> 
> There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
> 
> Pictures Of You - The Cure
> 
> Well I Wonder - The Smiths
> 
> Just Like Heaven - The Cure
> 
> Ever Fallen In Love - The Buzzcocks
> 
> Leader Of The Pack - The Shangri-Las
> 
> 🌷💙

The notebook was black. It didn't say anything on it, no name et cetera. Johnny shrugged, he didn't want to invade someone's privacy but he had to open it to look if it maybe had a phonenumber written inside. Carefully he opened it on the first page and was surprised to really find what he'd been looking for.

"MORRISSEY's journal. Do not read. 384 Kings Road"

Johnny smiled, Kings Road.... he'd definitely heard of that street before.

It must be here in Manchester. I'll give it back to the owner when my shift is over.

Work was.... boring to say the least. Johnny had always imagined working in a record shop as something amazing but, most of the time, it simply wasn't. Turns out 90% of people visiting and asking for advice had a terrible taste in music.

When his shift was finally over he took the last bus to Stretford, where he asumed the street would be. After getting out, he realized that it had started to rain... a lot. He held the journal closer to his chest, not wanting it to end up (too) soaked.

She better be thankful.... or he?

Somehow Johnny had asumed that only girls use things like journals, but of course he could be wrong. After all, that weird "name" that was written in capital letters on the first page of the notebook, he had never heard before. Johnny came to the conclusion that it must be a surname. Maybe the person didn't want to write their first name for a reason....

He got so lost in his thoughts that he almost accidently walked past the right house. Quickly he stopped and stared at the door. It was quite late already, he hoped not to wake anyone up.

He knocked once, then twice. It didn't even take ten seconds for a woman to open up. She looked in her fortys maybe. She looked nice, a bit like Johnny's mum.

"Yes, hello?"

"Uh, I found this journal. It says Morrissey on it. Is it yours?"

Johnny awkardly fiddled with the book in his hands before managing to get it open on the right page and held it up, so that the woman could read.

She leaned forward to see the small handwriting better, then shook her head in amusement: "Not mine. My son's probably."

"Alright," Johnny said, not sure what to do now. Should he just hand it over to her? She seemed like a nice person but what if she'd read it? Johnny felt strangely protective over the journal suddenly- maybe because he went an entire day without reading it and he didn't want it all to have been for nothing. Also, he couldn't help thinking about the owner of the book. Even though he didn't know him, it felt like Johnny had to make sure the journal reached him, like it was his responsibility right now.

Apparently the woman noticed Johnny hesitating, because the next thing she said was:" He's in his room, as he is most of the time. You can give it to him. I'm sure he'll be very happy to have it back."

Johnny nodded and thanked her, made sure his boots weren't too dirty, then entered the house. Directly inside there was a big staircase leading up. Left from it you could see a small kitchen. On the right, he asumed, was a bathroom. Johnny looked back at the woman who was just closing the door. When she saw his unsure look, she laughed quietly: "Just upstairs. Follow the music and you won't miss it."

Johnny raised his eyebrows a bit- music? He did heard something. He knew the song, it was "Lonely Planet Boy" from the New York Dolls. He had thought it was from the radio down in the kitchen. He wasn't judging though it wasn't his favourite band. But after all he worked in a record shop and he knew for sure that there was a lot of worse music than the New York Dolls.

So, he walked up the stairs, the music getting louder and louder. She had been right, it was obvious where it came from. The door was made out of wood and it had a piece of paper taped to it: "Do not disturb", was scribbled on there with black marker. 

Dramatic much. Johnny thought to himself.

Johnny, for a very brief moment, thought about going back down and asking what to do, but he didn't want to seem like a little kid. He had probably already annoyed that woman enough. He decided to wait till the song was over, then he knocked. Something could be heard inside, it sounded like someone standing up from a squeaky bed. "What, mum?" A voice asked, a sigh followed.

Then the door opened. A boy, maybe a few years older than Johnny stood there, staring at him. "You're not my mother." He said.

"No. I'm Johnny." Johnny replied.

"Okaaay." The boy in front of him scratched his head. Johnny took some time to really look at him for the first time.

He had long, black, curly hair, bright blue eyes, pale skin. He was wearing a Beatles shirt and boxershorts. He looked nice. Like... good? Likeable? Whatever.

"Why are you here exactly?"

"I found your thingy... uh, your journal." Like an idiot, Johnny held up the book and waved around with it.

Immediately curly-hair's eyes widened; "Thank you!"

"Yea, of course."

Johnny handed over the notebook.

Curly-hair seemed to hesitate before asking: "...did you read it?"

"No. I thought that would be shit. To read someone's journal, I mean."

"It isn't actually a journal. It's poetry, mostly."

Johnny nodded, surely not looking very intellectual.

Curly-hair cleared his throat, then added quietly : "A great poet is the most unpoetical of creatures."

Johnny felt stupid.

"That's Oscar Wilde."

"I know."

I didn't know.

For a few seconds that seemed way too long they both just stared at each other, finally Johnny asked: "Morrissey?"

Curly-hair nodded.

"So, what's your first name?"

"Steven. But if we're being honest here, I prefer Morrissey."

Huh. Well, alright.

"Do you want to come in, Johnny?" Morrissey asked, then added; "I like your shirt."

Johnny looked down, he was wearing a Kinks shirt. "Thanks. Yours is cool too."

Morrissey didn't have to look down. "Thank you." he said.

"...and I'd love to come in."

The door closed behind them.

The room looked nice, it was rather dark but not too dark. There were bookshelfs in all corners of the room and a big typewriter on the desk. Next to it were at least a hundred pages of writings. The bed opposite to the small window was covered by a blanket in the colours of the UK flag. The walls were full of posters, mostly of musicians but also of old films that Johnny had never heard of. Near the window stood a record player, around it were vinyls, spread all over the floor. On a little table next to the bed was a vase of flowers, gladioli.

"Your room's... cool."

"Uh-huh."

Johnny turned around to see Morrissey struggling to get something out of the pocket of a black coat hanging by the door.

"What are you looking for?"

"Just, uhm... something to-"

He turned around with a small smile on his face: "...repay you. For finding my journal, not reading it, giving it back to me, not showing it around in school, not using it to ruin my life."

He held out 20 pounds.

"Oh! There's no need for that, really." Johnny spoted what looked like a concert ticket on the bed. Looking closer he recognized the band and realized that he had a ticket for that gig as well.

"Better idea. Let's go to that", he grabbed the ticket and held it up "together. I have one as well. The thing is, going alone is sort of depressing."

Morrissey's eyes lit up even more (how's that even possible?), as he said yes.

They agreed to meet on the day of the concert, which was in two days, near the venue, at eight.

"Incredible." Johnny heard Morrissey say. "Incredible that I met you, cause I had been dreading going there alone."

"Then why did you buy it in the first place?"

"I'm trying to socialize a bit. It's not going very well."

"Ow" Johnny couldn't help but laugh "I'll help you. I'm alright at that ... socializing."

Morrissey opened his mouth to say thank you but closed it again. He leaned over his bed to fish a gladiolus out of the vase. It was pink.

"Here," he said handing it over to Johnny. "I know it's a bit strange but ... take it as a thank you."

Johnny was surprised, but also somehow intrigued. This boy truly was uinque.

"Well there's worse things." he said, while taking the flower.

"Huh?"

"Than being a bit strange I mean. You could be a murderer for example, that would be worse."

"Arguably."

"Wait, is there anything I can call you except Morrissey? It feels like I'm talking to ... I don't know. My boss."

Morrissey chuckled and pushed some hair out of his face. "Umm." he said.

So, no.

"How about Moz?"

"Moz?"

"Yea. I just came up with it. Think it sounds cool as fuck."

"A bit strange."

"I thought we had just settled that being a bit strange is good."

"In comparison to being a murderer."

"In comparison to lots of things."

He seemed taken aback. But then he nodded and a small smile spread across his face.

"Sure, Moz it is."

And Johnny smiled as well.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter! I was really happy that so many people liked the first one. Please keep in mind that this is obviously quite the AU and I'm not saying any of this happened.  
> Well, prepare for some teenage angst. It will all be explained soon, don't worry :')   
> Also (!) Theo is not necessarily a bad person. His story will get more depth soon as well.  
> I'm not 100% happy with how some of the dialogue turned out this time but I just find it difficult to write fights ._.  
> Whatever- Enjoy!

It hadn't stopped raining since yesterday morning. Johnny was just helping a middleaged woman find ABBA vinyls, as the door opened and loud voices filled the store. "Here," he handed the album over to the customer, who smiled at him with a thankful look in her eyes. She paid and then left the store, somehow making her way through the door, pushing past the people that had just come in. It was four people that Johnny knew all too well, yet he could only remember the name of one. Theo. He was a lot taller than Johnny but probably the same age. He always had his hair tied into a messy ponytail and he had a loud voice. 

Johnny sighed and went over to them.

"Hey Johnny!", "Wait, you work here?", "It's fine if we stay here for a bit, right?", "The weather is messing up my hair."

"Uh," Johnny knew that he wasn't allowed to let his friends stay. But he didn't want to say no and risk an argument either. Besides that, it was pouring outside- I'm sure he could make an exception. "Sure."

As the group of people began to walk around in the store, pick stuff up, laugh and make jokes, Johnny sat behind the counter thinking. He had only moved here a few weeks ago and he had been quite miserable the first few days. Luckily he'd bumped into Theo- Johnny must have looked lonely as fuck, because Theo immediately introduced him to his friends. He was thankful for that, even though they weren't people he'd normally hang out with. It is a lot easier to feel alright in a new city when you already have a few people you know. Although maybe Moz could be considered a friend now too. 

"Hey!" Theo's voice pulled Johnny from his spiral of thoughts.

"D'you wanna come with us? Alex's-" he pointed at one of the lads, a chubby kid with blond hair "parents are out of town. He's throwing a party."

"No, I don't think so. I still have to work here." Johnny laughed uncomfortably. He felt bad rejecting such a kind invitation. But he wasn't very upset about having to say no- he didn't like parties anyway.

"Oh, yea." Theo raised his eyebrows, "Well have fun working." Johnny didn't reply anything to that but the way Theo had said "working" made the word sound like a derogatory insult.

The chubby guy, who's name was Alex apparently, rolled his eyes. Like a pack of wolves they had somehow all gathered at the door. Without a goodbye nor another look at Johnny, they were gone. The little bell above the door rang, the door was left wide open. "Alex, can you please-" Too late.

Johnny felt kind of bad, were they angry with him? Or was his bad self-esteem just playing tricks on him again? Either way, he stood up and closed the door. It was completely quiet in the shop. The owner, Johnny's boss, had explained to him that he didn't want him to put music on. What an absolutely moronic rule in a record shop. But well, whatever.

Having completely given up on there ever being any other customers, Johnny finally wrote "closed" on a piece of paper. Quickly he hung it up by the door after stepping out of the shop. He locked the door and took a deep breath. The encounter with Theo and the other boys was still not leaving his mind. Had it been anyone else, Johnny most likely wouldn't give a fuck. Where he used to live he had, let's put it mildly, encountered some problems with friends. This was a new start. He finally had a job, didn't have to see his parents anymore and had cut the contact to all of his former "friends". He wanted to do his best to fit in here and Theo had been so, so nice to him - he couldn't forget all of that just because of one awkward conversation. Also, if Theo and Alex were mad at him about not being able to come to that party- wouldn't that mean that they really wanted him there? Shouldn't he be feeling happy then?

He wasn't feeling happy.

After contemplating going home he decided that he'd go to Alex's house after all. He didn't have anything else to do and maybe it would be fun. Also, perhaps he could ask Theo about the way he had reacted- maybe it would turn out to just be one big misunderstanding.

Strangely enough, while making his way to said party he didn't think about those people at all anymore. His thoughts drifted to Moz, the boy he had met yesterday. Should he go over to his house later?

After all they wanted to go to a concert the next day and Johnny had only talked to him once. He thought, it would probably be a good idea to get to know him a little better.

Moz, strangely, reminded Johnny a bit of how he used to be. Well, of course Moz was a bit strange. While Johnny rather liked him he just couldn't imagine him being popular. When he was still going to school, he always was quite shy. Also the diary- though Johnny had made fun of it yesterday, rang a bell. He'd had a diary ...journal ... whatever, as well. But that was a long time ago and he didn't even remember why he used to write into it nor what.

He was now almost there and he could already hear the sound of people laughing.

Thinking about the diary made Johnny curious, he'd try to find that old notebook and maybe he could let Moz read it to help him feel less embarassed about his own.

"Hello?" A voice pulled Johnny from is thoughts.

Speak of the devil. After turning around Moz stood right in front of him, smile on his lips, hair wildly falling into his face wearing a dark coat and black boots. He looked mysterious. Johnny suddenly felt horrible about what he had previously thought of Moz. He looked a lot cooler than Johnny did himself right now. After greeting him and telling him that exact compliment, Moz laughed.

"Well, thank you. I guess."

They went on to talk about the concert, the band was pretty new and not very well known. But both of them had only heard good things about them, so they were sure they weren't going to regret it. 

"Is it alright if I bring someone?" Moz asked. They had sat down at a bench next to a busstop down the street. Johnny was staring into the distance where he could observe the party. The house was small, but the front garden was very large and someone had erected a large tent under which young people were dancing and talking.

Bring someone? Somehow Johnny had thought it was only going to be the two of them. He didn't like the idea of going there as a group. Weirded out by his own thoughts, which he couldn't understand himself, he decided to push his feelings away and just act like a normal person would. 

"Sure! Why not. Who?"

Johnny couldn't help but realize that it sounded more like an interrogation and less like an ordinary question. What the fuck was up with him today?

Moz raised his eyebrows in surprise: "Her name is Linder. I'm certain you'll like her."

"Your girfriend?"

While Johnny didn't see anything wrong with asking such thing, the question turned out to, once again, sound a lot more direct than intended. 

Moz shook his head in amusement: "No. Why? Are you jealous?"

"Of course not!" Johnny felt his entire face burn with embarrasment.

He took a deep breath: "Let's change the topic; I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Do so."

Johnny blinked, 'do so'??

"Theo, I don't know if you know him, invited me to that there." he pointed over to the house "Will you go with me? I'm sure it would be more fun if we go together!"

Johnny wondered if he had turned into a ghost while asking this perfectly normal question, because that was exactly how Moz was looking at him.

With a look that was closest to dissapointment, he replied, "No. I doubt Theo would want me there either."

"Oh, okay."

And there it was again, the uncomfortable silence that seemed to accompany Johnny day in and day out. He briefly wondered wether he should ask about what had happened. Whether the two had had a fight in the past or something similar. But he decided to change the subject to lighten the mood again...which turned out to be a mistake.

"As we both know, you write a diary, and-"

"It's not really a diary. It's my poetry. I've told you this already, I thought you had listened."

Johnny met Morrissey's eyes for a second, for a moment he was actually about to apologize but he changed his mind.

"That doesn't matter. It's a notebook, that's what it is. Now to my problem: I've had one too. Like, a journal. When I was younger. But I can't remember anything I wrote. You know, it feels strange. Creeps me out that I can't remember."

There was no reply. Johnny turned to Moz on the bench and looked at him questioningly. The latter had turned away from him and was staring at his hands. Johnny followed his gaze, his nails were painted black but Johnny decided not to say anything.

What could he have said? That he thought it was beautiful?

"Hellooo?" He shook Morrissey's shoulder lightly and finally he looked up. He looked different from before, a little irritated and almost sad.

"Is something wrong?"

Morrissey's eyes darkened, Johnny felt like he was looking into a deep abyss. Startled, he averted his gaze.

"You ask if something is wrong? Of course something is wrong. Something definitely seems to be wrong with me. Because every time I think I've found someone who actually likes me, it only turns out to be another false alarm."

Johnny wanted to tell him that he didn't understand him but no words came out of his mouth.

"This 'notebook' is everything I have. It's my life. It keeps me from just leaving this ridiculous planet for good. If the biggest problem in your life is that you can't remember what you wrote into yours, then congratulations. I thought you were different but you're just like everyone else around here." With that he stood up and started walking away.

Before he could leave Johnny finally managed to find the ability to speak again: "What did you mean?"

Moz stopped.

"When you said that you thought I was different, what did you mean by that?"

Morrissey had his back to him and Johnny could not see his face, but the sillhoutte sighed.

"What do I know, I thought you had depth, thought you had a story, a past. I thought you might inspire one of my poems one day. But I guess I was wrong. Whatever."

Johnny wanted to tell him that he was definitely not wrong. That there was so much he hadn't told him. But he said absolutely nothing and remained sitting on the bench. His gaze briefly wandered to Alex's house, where loud laughter mixed with drunken shouting. Johnny felt Morrissey's eyes on him and feelings of guilt overcame him, yet he didn't even know exactly what he had done wrong.

"You should go to them," said Moz and without another word he was gone.

It was still raining. The cold, which he had not noticed before, he suddenly felt in every fibre of his body.

**Author's Note:**

> Question!!   
> In case there will be a few darker topics coming up (not a lot, don't worry), would you prefer me putting them in the tags right now? So that if you don't want to read about such things you can stop reading the story? Or would you prefer me editing the tags while writing, so there's as little spoilers as possible? Just let me know! :)


End file.
